even tucked away, the truth seems to escape...

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 10

2008-08-30T17:18:00.008-06:00

THE YEAR I'VE HAD (AUGUST 2008)

reflecting on the year i've had...
all the deceit and the denial.
i was struggling to find meaning in my breathing.
always trying to escape, and always hoping to be caught
and swept up into safety...
i was dying to belong somewhere.

i heard the voices calling out
just above a whisper, from way down where i stood.
i was gently drawn in by the truth.
i latched onto the roots i found
void and exhausted, but cold enough to
inquire if the sparks i saw meant fire.

reflecting all the hate i've swallowed...
i heave endless pain on everyone, loaded the gun;
and there were some who loved me still.
the hourglass drained to lock me in it's sinking sand;
addicted to the opiate that makes me ill,
i desired someone who could kill the cancer.

cannonade of white light,
crashing through the barricades
of doom...
hail of hope and love
storm of mercy, inescapable;
caving in the fortress of sin.

reflecting on the year i've had...
the undeniable transformation.

let me show them how to die.
let me show them how to die.
let me show them how to live.

LEF (C) 2008

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 9

2008-07-09T20:49:00.007-06:00

YOUR WORD IS YOUR BOND (JULY 2008)

the way your tears fall, the way your heart bleeds;
the way you pulsate, the colors fill your dreams;
every fiber screams
you have been chosen.

in all your passion, the marrow's burning;
for living water, the bones are thirsting.
in your worst nightmare
the spirit's desperate.

you have forgotten where to find refuge,
trading peace and joy for flesh, tangible and new.
you have forsaken your own heart for so long,
still, your conscience hasn't abandoned you.

now you cling to loneliness itself. your pride will suffocate.
cut through the dark, beg for the light. sprint back into love.

admit that you were wrong.

no one's arms can promise safety, there is no one left.
the word is the bond; with your mouth, you confessed.
the pain you feel is relative to the time you take,
the blood you draw is your own, and it's in your hands.

LEF (C) 2008

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 8

2008-05-28T16:13:00.000-06:00

THE FURNACE AND THE FORGE (MAY 2008)

a million pieces on the floor;
and no one bothered with directions building you.
assembled backwards, still you grow.
left to fend for yourself, you learn to be the glue.

disconnecting, erasing; reconnecting and replacing;
brilliant one, you've done well to fix it on your own.
with all the parts made perfect, i predict unfinished beauty.
but there are detrimental fragments, things yet to be traced
that remain hidden, and leave you shivering and cold.
a priceless work of art is left a shell, the tears are empty.

you can tell by now, i am the rusted old machine
brought back to life by forces flawless and unseen.
searching your eyes, i find your heart begging for heat.
the engine's idle, and it's cold. and i can't bring you relief.

i wish i had the words to say
to give you reason to believe...
the lunacy would save your life.
the foolishness would save your life.
to risk it all would save your life.
by giving up, you'd be complete.

LEF (C) 2008

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 6

2008-05-20T12:55:00.005-06:00

TAKING THE SEVENTH WONDER LIGHTLY (MAY 2008)

i am a changed man, but i am not above temptation.
human desire is a weakness i have not yet turned to strength.
an ongoing but entirely separate story from the tragedy at hand.

to know the things i've known since we were only strangers;
from initial friendly handshake to the final intimate embrace...
shame as red as blood filling my heart, overtakes my countenance.

for i am the encourager. i am the motivator.
i became the wretched one, tempting you to tempt me.
for i am the gatekeeper of my own heart and mind.
and i let the evil in to help keep you close to me.

always so subtle from the start, curiosity; uncertainty;
strings inside our thoughts are pulled to draw the blinds.
we turn our eyes from daylight to the dancing shadows on the floor.

as long as our hands met, i pulled you passively. sound the alarm.
as long as we stood side by side, follow aggressively. red light is on.
my initial interest in your heart has wandered to your eyes and mouth.

for i am the encourager. i am the motivator.
i became the wretched one, tempting you to tempt me.
for i am the gatekeeper of my own heart and mind.
and i let the evil in to help keep you close to me.

like the lighthouse in the city that shares your name
i saw the flame reflected, begging me to keep distance.
the day you finally let your eyes find mine...

your hands are tied behind your back, as you are tied to someone else.
my voluntary ignorance allowed this suffering.
your righteous hesitation, honest fear of losing true love.
my imperfect spirit losing sight of what my mission is.

let the flames of consequence burn pure inside.
teach me how to purge all lust, all greed and pride.
hold me like a child and keep me in Your sight.

LEF (C) 2008

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 5

2008-04-20T14:16:00.000-06:00

CUT IT OFF... IT'S DYING (APRIL 2008)

i need this more than you, you see it now.
you know exactly where the feelings lie.
you know when and how you cross the line.

words like silver spilling from your inconsistent mouth;
a fountain of confusion, whispering warning of your doubt.

still you speak your loyalty.
i've grown addicted, and i listen.
i'm convinced i'll die with your voice ringing in my ears.

words like silver spilling from your inconsistent mouth;
a fountain of confusion, whispering warning of your doubt.
you won't touch me, but you refuse to let me go...
i'm so weak from contradiction. you've got me tied up, and i can't cut it off.

i feel so sick inside, sick and unfulfilled.
see the poison in my veins, it's just like yours.
we're sabotaged with loneliness
and i keep holding on...

i need to give up and lie down, just for a while.
dearest, can't you see? i'm dying... we are dying.

time to cut it off.

LEF (C) 2008

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 4

2008-04-20T14:14:00.000-06:00

LIGHTS OUT (APRIL 2008)

show the roots of your sadness.
tell me secrets, like i was worth each whisper;
every quiet, apologetic mess...
well, i listened at my own request.

to dream with selfish, empty hearts
to place our faith in worried nightmares
what hope have we in anything but death?

stay close, tangled up in arms
to represent malnourished roots.
the irony in our anatomy...
still, i held you at my own request.

to dream with selfish, empty hearts
to place our faith in worried nightmares
what hope have we in anything but death?
are we virtuous enough
to harbor supernatural love?
without the divine hand to hold us up, we will not find rest.

how can we ignore that there's no fire to keep us warm?

i see you shaking like a leaf
weathered by each bitter wind;
and i never understood 'til now
that i don't know how to make us whole.

guided by the courage you once showed,
like a beacon making razor cuts through the fog and doubt;
then the lights went out.
we're both lost in the dark.

mine was the shoulder and the chest, forever home to your tired head.
a poor excuse for a place to rest.
and it was all in vain. it was all in vain.

LEF (C) 2008

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 3

2008-04-20T14:13:00.001-06:00

LIFE AND DEATH ON REPEAT (APRIL 2008)

i slipped into a giant freefall with no safety net in sight.
i felt the absence of all balance, an accidental suicide.
voice of truth now ringing louder... curious fool;
i ignored the foreseen future, screaming kamikaze to my demise.

removed the brain, placed it out of sight.
drowned it, shook it out.
reclaimed it, numb and tired.
removed the heart, killed it outright.
burned it, buried it deep.
reclaimed it numb and tired.

now lying in this shit ravine, cold and alone; no sense of home.
i roll in the mud i sought, filthy and discarded.
wandering blindly, drunk and reeking, doomed to roam.
sick and bitter, wrestling my conscience, brokenhearted.

not until i'm face-down in this pool i found, of grief and sin
will i consider that brilliant shred of hope in such a new beginning.
vivid, so it shines; exhausted soul of mine, it cannot comprehend.
we start over and over and over again.

so near death, desiring the end.
but this heart still beats, this body still breathes.
rock bottom breaks me like i need.
but the cells reunite as the spirit sucks the feeling back in.
instantaneous, stands me up once again.

been down... i've had enough.
and i'm coming home.

LEF (C) 2008

RANTS AND MUSES, VOL. 1

2008-04-20T14:10:00.012-06:00

TALK

all this talk, thick in the air above our heads;
it saturates the space between our actions and the truth.
with painful instruction the Spirit moved swiftly in me;
we have to give up trying to lead.

i let the river divide us and carry you away.
i know that on the other side you will land safely;
the omnipresent current holds my faith.

electric nerves give way to sudden painful static;
flawed energy and inconsistent signals leave us lost.
my insides shift to realign with the voice i've come to love and fear.
my dear, i cannot keep you.

subconscious gravitation, fate was a hero.
cut wires by revelation, i'm sinking like a stone.
i am still healing, i am still learning how to love;
but my pride still chokes me and forsakes you and forbids us to go on.

the fault, the guilt. my heart breaks.
the fault, the guilt. it rests on me.

i'm waiting for the turnaround, but don't you wait on me.
whether we hear the voice in seasons or in years, no one can tell.
i'm waiting for the turnaround; for now, a separate peace.
to each the voice sounds different... but we listen well! we listen well!

and if you close your eyes and your ears
you will see, and you will hear.
that rhythm in your chest, and in my chest;
it is small, but it is real.

LEF (C) 2008